Art & Fear

The constant battle of facing your fears and producing something you don't hate...

This week I didn’t get as much creative time in as I would have liked. Whether it was a lack of inspiration or baby that just wasn’t interested in naps, things didn’t flow like I’d hoped they would.

Honestly, I think one of the biggest reasons that more art hasn’t been coming to fruition is because of fear.

I have no problem putting art out into the world, what I do fear and not living up to my own expectations. I have dreams of being hired to do Children’s book illustrations and to increase my freelance illustration side of work, and yet, the idea of building a portfolio specifically for this has me dead in my tracks–What if I’m not as good as I think I am? What if I can’t produce the types of images I have in my head? What if art really can’t create a full time wage? All these thoughts plague me.

About midway through the week I decided to stop being afraid of my sketchbooks and to just go play. See what could come out of it. I experimented with limited color palettes, brought limited art supplies to the park with me, and explored.

This first painting used really cheap oil pastels (6 colors) and was a landscape of the little lake at a nearby park. I actually love how it came out and how I was able to create atmospheric perspective with such a limited palette. I also really loved the way the movement of the water turned out.

If you would have watched me paint this, it looked like nothing for about 75% of the process. I wanted to quit a few times but by the end, I actually loved how it came out and was excited to show it off.

Then I had this idea of painting a page of sharks. I’ve been watching a lot of Discovery show and shark movies as of late, so you could say I’ve had sharks on the brain. I started with pretty basic color palettes and then wanted to play a little more. I loved the purple coming through on the hammerhead shark but wish I would have committed more to the tiger shark and made stripes instead of the dots that it has in real life. If I’m gonna go more illustrative, I really just need to commit!

Finally, we went to the Denver Botanic Gardens again with some family in town and while my husband gave Tobias a bottle, I drew the waterlily pond. The left side with the gazebo and flower is my favorite, the rest feels too flat to me. I probably needed a bit more time on this one and I think a different medium would have been better.

Unlike my other sketchbook paintings, I wouldn’t mind this one hiding in here forever but I thought it was important that the good and the bad are shown in this behind the scenes lens.

Finding My Own Way

Every time I face a blank page, I’m facing new fears. There is something about the possibilities of a white canvas that feels overwhelming. There are too many options of what can fill those pages. I’ve also realized that without a project to guide me (a series, a children’s book, a finished idea in my head) I’m like a fish out of water. I have no idea where to go or what to be working on. When it comes to illustration you need to be able to draw everything so even choosing what to practice can leave you lost in the woods.

All of this goes alongside the constant thoughts that come with being a mother artist too–will I have enough time to create today? With such limited time, what do I even want to say? Do I have the energy to say anything at all?

I don’t have as clear of a vision of where I’m going and what I want to do since having a child. I’m still tired often and creativity isn’t just pouring out of me. But I do know that I can’t stop doing this. Art has always been a part of me and the years I stoped making art, were years I feel like I lost a part of myself.

So for now, I’m trying to get in my sketchbook and play without the need to make money from my art, or make art that will win the opinions of others. A new idea for a project is starting to form and that will give me the structure I need to create the way I want to and to challenge me creatively. Until then, I’ll just be over here, playing with mediums, doodling in my sketchbook, and seeing how I can mix illustration, realism, and folk art into something that is completely my own.